It's a Learning Phase of sorts

My vacation has been going on for about a month now. Everything’s just not so happening here. There is monotony and lack of enthusiasm. I feel like I've completely wasted away all my time. The irony is that sometimes I feel like I've been doing this for all this while. Yes, nothing has changed ever since I started ‘living’ my life. My days and months have been the same. All the resolutions et al come down to nothing in practice. How terribly awful this way of living is! Sometimes I do pity my state of mind which of course, plays a vital role in shaping this story. These days I don’t even keep a journal. That would, at least serve me a platform to vent out my feelings without any hesitation. I feel lazy to do anything. Sometimes I think I've crossed all the barriers of laziness.

I wasn't such a thoroughgoing fool before. I mean there would have existed some sort of this element within me but it was recessive for all this time. I wonder why it turned dominant now. Could have waited for some more time! I do imagine my future sometimes. I do think about those times when my mind would be cleared off all this confusion of impressions. That time when there would be some pellucidity of sorts. All the stumbling stances would have gained some momentum and become stable. I wonder how life would be when there would that stability and staunchness which I’m yearning for. I would so love to laugh out at all these fugitive moments which at this point of time seem so trying. I do fantasize things but not much. I bring myself back to reality as soon as it all goes strikingly odd or unusual. Life, being so unpredictable bars me from doing so. At times, I feel stupid to even let myself think about all of this. After all, who promised you the next second of life?

Life’s kaleidoscopic. At some point of life, I’d wonder if someone ever lived a life more complicated than mine. Or at least, as complex as mine. What a sodding mess! That’s when I realized that I weighed my life according to the rules of my life. Everyone else is, no doubt fighting with themselves a fight which only they know of. Life can’t be easy. It doesn't have to be. There is absolutely no guarantee of a happy ending. Our plots differ, so do our endings. Everything may not go according to our wishes and that’s perfectly fine.

Eventually, we do contemplate the truth of life. Sooner or later, we do. Even if, it may seem difficult to look at things with a wider vision at a particular point of time, we do get it right at the fixed instant. In all probability, that’s what we call ‘growing up’ and getting mature with things.

Long story short, I am at a very early age of this contemplation. Still learning to check with the stories of my life. Sometimes our ideas do not harmonize but then that’s okay. After all, I am still a learner. 

© Aiman